


Last Christmas, bokuaka

by kashmirbaby



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuaka - Freeform, Christmas, Christmas Angst, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Lights, Fluff and Angst, Ice Skating, Inspired by Hallmark Christmas Movies, M/M, Song: Last Christmas (Wham!), haikyuu!! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28298880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kashmirbaby/pseuds/kashmirbaby
Summary: Christmas is a holiday that brings joy, cheer, but for Akaashi it's only a painful reminder of his own ignorance. Tenma Udai, is the last person he would enjoy running into on Christmas Eve. However, is Tenma's cheer and curiosity to light the fire in Akaashi to revisit last years letter sent to someone special or will Akaashi wake up on Christmas Day hungover and heartbroken again?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Last Christmas, bokuaka

Akaashi nuzzled deeper into the collar of his coat, he held the gift bag tightly in his hands as he wandered the streets of Tokyo, lights strung from every available surface with cheer accompanying each passing face, every fleeting glance filled with a merriness that only appeared around this time of the year. Akaashi merely grumbled to himself and shifted his focus to the sidewalk before him, his glasses fogged as he was forced to peek out his nose and peer around. His eyes fell on a red neon sign, he knew the sign and though he had no reason to feel anything when he saw it, or even owed it to anyone to enter the shop, he still found himself opening the shop door as bells chimed and he was greeted with a warm hello. He offered a nod and ducked into one of the isles, though he was far too tall to hide behind the shelfs that were lined with magazines. 

His eyes scanned the covers, each one a different aesthetic that didn’t really appeal to him, until his eyes landed on the ‘Vintage High School Sports’ section. His eyes were quick to dart to the only section he cared about:

**Volleyball Monthly**

Akaashi scoffed at his own stupidity, but still his hand reached out as he ran his fingers along the covers. Each one an image of a player he had once met in high school, though a few were only from fleeting games, sideline guys who Akaashi paid no mind to. Why now was he worrying about their names? It made no difference, but something inside him made him want to remember, he wanted all the memories to come rushing back in a flood of overwhelming reminiscence and warmth. 

But whenever Akaashi attempted to peer back into the past, all that he was flooded with was a sense of regret and stupidity. 

As Akaashi was about to condemn himself for being so childish and exiting the store he heard a familiar voice call out to him. 

“Akaashi!” It sprouted from the back of the store and he turned, he was somewhat relieved to find Tenma Udai stepping towards him. A small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. 

Tenma expressed his confusion for Akaashi’s presence in the gift shop with an uncertain “Hey.” Akaashi grew annoyed, not from Tenma himself but for his habit of avoiding direct questions in order to keep a conversation going, making people think he was more entertaining somehow. Akaashi just shrugged and shifted his attention back to the magazines, his eyes drifting over them, catching on one but moving on in hopes that Tenma wouldn’t notice. 

Tenma gave it a moment until Akaashi’s attention was too focused on how he was perceiving him before he picked up the magazine and one more to place over it, hiding the cover. Tenma cleared his throat and moved towards the cashier. 

Akaashi hung back in the magazine section, his eyes hovering around the room before settling on a novelty owl ornament, he sniffled before walking towards it. His fingers poked at the dainty object, a small bell ringing somewhere inside the belly, giving into temptation--whether it be for old time sake or if Akaashi was simply becoming a masochist for painful memories--he slipped the ornament off the hanger and walked towards the front desk where Tenma was waiting with a bag of his own. No one spoke as Akaashi paid for his ornament and stuffed the small bag inside his pocket, the bell muffled by the layers as Akaashi and Tenma exited the store. 

Tenma seemed very interested in the fact that he had never seen Akaashi around Tokyo, come to think of it he had never seen him outside of a work setting very often, to which Akaashi only offered a very unsatisfying answer: “Tokyo is very large, Tenma.” He spoke as though Tenma wasn’t already very well aware of the fact. 

Akaashi hadn’t planned on seeing anyone, let alone meeting up with Tenma unexpectedly, though he couldn’t help but be thankful to have an excuse to carry around this heavy gift bag a little longer--avoid giving it to the last person he wanted to spend christmas with. 

As they walked in silence Akaashi progressively found more comfort in the cold, a sense of security in the accompanied silence. Though Akaashi couldn’t help but wonder: “What are you doing out on Christmas Eve?” He begged the question, one he wanted an answer to but didn’t particularly want to jump the hurdles of keeping Tenma on topic to provide it. 

“Last minute shopping.” Tenma beamed, though it wasn’t his real answer, he didn’t know what he was doing; but for now he hoped to help Akaashi get the closure he knew that he so desperately needed. 

Akaashi didn’t continue the conversation, his eyes with lights glinting and brows furrowed as he tried to assess the authenticity of Tenma’s statement. Tenma couldn’t help but snicker at Akaashi’s demeanor, his breath dancing in front of him as they continued to walk through the brightly light walkways of the shopping district. 

Don’t be so serious. Tenma nudged Akaashi who stumbled into a planter box, Tenma stopped, watching as Akaashi brushed invisible dirt off of his coat. Akaashi knew why Tenma had done it which is why he offered an amused sigh in return, it lasted only for a moment before he was roped back into the memory of the owl ornament in his pocket, the memories of last Christmas. The letter, the ache, every second he counted until he couldn’t stay awake. 

The cold air caught in his throat before he realized they were peering over the edge of an ice skating rink, couples holding hands, kids learning to skate for the first time, and in the very center were those who could be considered pros in the recreational world of ice skating. Tenma leaned against the barrier, intently watching the bodies move before he spoke, a quiet whisper among the jolliness around them. 

He questioned Akaashi, not accusatory, genuine curiosity as they intently watched the skaters before them. 

“You don’t like Christmas do you?” 

Akaashi thought for a moment, avoid the question and end the conversation then and there or answer it, opening up to a new conversation that would only prolong Akaashi’s procrastination. He breathed in and back out before he made his decision, a small hum buzzed behind his lips before he answered, a short and quiet: “No.” 

Tenma had no visible or audible reaction to Akaashi’s answer, instead he began to rub his hands together over the barrier, his eyes never wavering from a couple, a woman trying to teach her girlfriend how to skate. Akaashi watched them as well, his eyes scanning over the genuine happiness and contentment of their expressions and body language; he couldn’t bring himself to feel happy for them, he only found a sickness deep in his stomach that made his head spin and caused his eyes to ache. He turned around and leaned against the barrier, watching the masses of people, seas of faces that he would never see again. 

Tenma remained quiet for a moment longer, though he made an extravagant show of peering at the bag in Akaashi’s hands, an eyebrow raised before he returned his attention to the ice rink. Akaashi couldn’t help it, he wanted to dig himself deeper, drown in his own sorrows for yet another year. “It’s for my girlfriend.” He mumbled softly. Tenma hummed in acknowledgment, he had lost interest in the couple and was now scanning the many other faces to find one that piqued his curiosity once more. 

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” He spoke softly, Akaashi barely heard it over the deafening chatter. Akaashi simply shrugged and looked down at the bag, his expression falling even more grim when he saw the poor job he had done of stuffing tissue paper into a red gift bag from last year. The thought running through his mind:  _ I don’t know  _ _ why _ _ I have a girlfriend.  _ But Tenma didn’t push, he didn’t pry, though he truly wanted to. 

Akaashi remained quiet, Tenma silently watched the skaters until he was unable to sit still. 

“Let’s go.” Tenma had already begun to move towards the entrance of the ice rink. 

Akaashi pushed himself off the barrier and followed Tenma, his uneasy voice made it clear he didn’t know how to skate nor did he want to; but it was impossible for Tenma to take ‘no’ for an answer and his mind was already made up. Akaashi was going to skate with him. 

Tenma pulled some notes out of his pocket and handed them to the operator who in turn asked what size the two men would need. After receiving their skates Akaashi sat on the bench next to Tenma, the skates leaning against his thigh, the red bag in his lap, an overwhelming sense of loneliness in a crowded place had overtaken him. No matter how many times he told himself to move it was like his muscles were dried cement and his brain had old cogs that had ceased to turn when he attempted to shift his attention to anything other than how suffocating his coat felt; his fingers dug into the bag, crumpling the sides until Tenma broke the tension. 

“Need some help?” He asked as he pointed to the skates leaned up against Akaashi’s shaking leg. Akaashi simply shook his head and set the bag down, as he leaned down Tenma sat back on the bench, sprawling out his body, making him appear much longer than the body next to him. Akaashi began to unlace his shoes and slowly put the skates on, reluctantly tying them, hoping that if he took longer Tenma would grow impatient and leave him behind; but Tenma was persistent about remaining at Akaashis side. Which only made Akaashi uneasy, Tenma wasn’t stupid, he could obviously peice together that Akaashi had somewhere to be and ignoring that wasn’t polite; especially when you are deliberately prolonging the inevitable of having to apologize to the one expecting you. 

Finally Akaashi laced the skates and Tenma stuffed their things in a locker before Akaashi wobbled to the ice on his skates. Tenma placed a weary hand on Akaashi’s arm, an understanding expression of “take your time” while Akaashi flailed and wobbled. Finally they reached the actual rink and Akaashi was persistent about holding onto the rails, as he worried he would make contact with the ground all he could think of was:  _ why am I entertaining this?  _ But still he let Tenma support him as they slowly moved around the rink.

Tenma himself wasn’t particularly good at skating nor was he horrible at it. He was skilled enough to support part of Akaashi’s weight and his own as they moved at a snail's pace, stopping every few moments for Akaashi to collect himself and start again. Many times a more skilled couple would wiz past the two and throw Akaashi off balance, but by the time they managed to travel ¼ of the ring it became a little easier to balance with only a light grip on the railing. 

_ Why am I doing this?  _ Akaashi thought as Tenma continued to coach him along the perimeter of the skating rink, Akaashi’s stomach churned and flopped as his knees shook, he was so unstable it was only a matter of time before he slipped and fell. It didn’t help that there were whispers as Tenma laughed at Akaashi, people pointing out the fact that Akaashi resembled a newborn deer, questioning if Tenma and Akaashi were dating or merely friends. 

“I need to stop.” Akaashi muttered, tightening his grip on the railing and pulled himself closer to the edge. Tenma slid a few centimeters before stopping and turning, head cocked as he watched Akaashi’s uneasy breaths. 

“We can’t stop here.” Tenma spoke, seemingly inconsiderate to the state Akaashi was in. He urged Akaashi to keep moving, tugging on his arm, but Akaashi flung his body from Tenma’s grasp and averted his gaze, muttering that he shouldn’t have done this; he should have left memories where they were meant to remain, in the past. But Tenma again didn't care, he reached for Akaashi again but a security guard intercepted the two. 

He asked Tenma, the most coherent of the two, if there was a problem which Tenma declined before they were urged to keep moving. Akaashi had tuned them out but managed to get some control on his nerves, enough to allow Tenma to pull him along. They continued along the perimeter, Tenma acting like nothing had happened. 

“I like Christmas.” Tenma blurted between elated shrieks that surrounded them, then went on to explain that it wasn’t because of the gifts but because no matter the personality of a person, they would always hold a shred of light for the holiday; a hope that a miracle would happen. Akaashi was annoyed by this divulgence of unwanted information, especially since he had already told Tenma that he didn’t like Christmas, and the fact that Akaashi had no hope for a miracle; those childish dreams had died the months following the stupid letter. “Even you.” Tenma spoke, only loud enough for Akaashi to hear. 

“You’re pushing it Tenma.” Akaashi snapped, his voice was harsher than he had intended but it got his point across. Tenma let out a small chuckle, and looked up at Akaashi, his eyes reflecting the light, a bright determination sparking inside them that reminded Akaashi of a boy from the past; a boy who he gave his heart to only to have it never return. Akaashi trained his eyes on his skates, only half way around the rink now, he felt a heavy weight on his chest, an anxiety that was repeatedly telling him he had to get off the ice as soon as possible. 

“I don't think I want to do this anymore Tenma,”  _ I want to leave.  _ He finished, Tenma didn’t object, Akaashi had played along with him and it was very apparent that Akaashi would not calm down this time. But there was no way to get to the exit as quickly as Akaashi would like without having to cut through the middle of the ice. Tenma began to pull Akaashi away from the railing, urging him that it was okay, that Tenma wouldn’t let Akaashi fall. 

Akaashi was quick to understand what Tenma was trying to do, but that didn’t mean he was fond of the idea, reluctantly he let his numb fingers slip off of the railing and quickly latched onto Tenma with both hands. He let Tenma guide them as he wrestled with his breathing, why was he getting so worked up over this? Was it the people, the fear of falling, or simply the fact that Akaashi had failed to mentally prepare himself for every possible outcome of the night; whatever it was, it weighed on Akaashi heavier than the gravity surrounding him, making him feel short and vulnerable. 

Akaashi was so lost in thought that when Tenma slipped out of his grasp he didn’t notice until Tenma was out of reach, skating backwards in front of him. Akaashi gasped and began flailing. 

“It’s okay!” Tenma called out over the chatter and the thumping of Akaashi’s heart in his throat. 

Akaashi was so flustered that he couldn’t even yell at Tenma, he could only look forward with pleading eyes, telling himself that he would never trust this man again; no matter the circumstance. 

“Just breathe.” Tenma called and Akaashi was pulled into a raging wave of remembrance. The same words leaving his lips the night he realized he was falling in love. 

_ Just breathe.  _

_ It will all be fine, just breathe.  _

_ Just breathe.  _

_ Breathe.  _

Tears began to pool in Akaashi’s eyes, why now? Why here, why was he remembering such trivial, frivolous emotions now? It did him no good, but before he could dwell any longer or collect himself, he felt his body collide with the railing and a soft hand on his back. 

“Akaashi…” Tenma whispered, “I didn’t know you were that scared I’m-” 

Akaashi didn’t have the patience to listen to the apology, he shrugged out of Tenma’s grasp and hobbled to the bench and began to remove his skates, silently cursing himself for not just following through with his plans. Once the skates were off of his feet he briskly walked to the locker, realizing he had to wait for Tenma. Awkwardly he waited near the locker, Tenma removed his skates and apologized to the person behind the counter before heading towards Tenma. 

“I truly am sorry, if I would have known-” 

“Forget it.” Akaashi avoided looking at Tenma and instead kept his eyes trained on the locker, Tenma sighed and unlocked it, Akaashi snatched his things and began to slip his shoes on. As he was standing to retreat, lose Tenma in the masses of people. Tenma reached out and grabbed his arm, his eyes glistened under the lights, Akaashi tensed at his touch. 

“Don’t go just yet.” Tenma insisted, Akaashi neither agreed or declined, and Tenma continued. “Wait for me at the exit.” 

Tenma didn’t wait for Akaashi’s response, instead he simply let him go and began to retrieve his things from the locker and slip his shoes on. Akaashi groaned and waited outside the exit, wondering what was tethering him to this awful Christmas eve excursion, maybe he truly wanted to spend it with someone he cared about; not that he didn’t care about his girlfriend, he looked down at the present in his hand, smashed and ripped. He sighed and stuck his hand in the bag, his fingers curled around a small cube. 

Once he had taken the cube out of the bag he found a trashcan and stuffed the bag inside, he had wandered around a corner but he was sure he would be back before Tenma arrived. He shifted his attention to the small box, a hinged half way up, he opened it, felt it creak as he peered at what lay inside. 

A thin band, one that is typically used as a promise ring. Akaashi sighed and stuffed the box in his coat pocket, turning around. Before Akaashi could even comprehend any details his body had collided with another, though he could only see the top of a head. Looking down he saw that Tenma was the one so close to him. Tenma looked at Akaashi, eyes of innocence as he drew in a relieved breath, as if to say:  _ “I thought you left, but I’m glad to see that you didn’t.”  _ Akaashi took a step back and cleared his throat. 

Tenma didn’t push Akaashi, he didn’t ask what he had been doing he simply walked beside Akaashi, pointing out obvious events happening around them. The lights are twinkling, the forecasts say it might snow tonight, won’t that be something? Snow on Christmas Eve, in Tokyo of all places. Isn’t that something, Akaashi?

-

Tenma had been so kind as to apologize to Akaashi by buying him a hot cup of tea, Akaashi didn’t object but he didn’t necessarily accept it as a meaningful apology either; though he decided he had already given Tenma a hard enough time at the skating rink and just decided to keep his mouth shut. As the workers explained the maze to the group Akaashi and Tenma had joined Akaashi, tuned them out and blew the steam off his tea over and over, Tenma on the other hand ignored their directions to explain to Akaashi that this was his favorite Maze of Lights in Tokyo and that they changed the layout every year. Akaashi got bits and pieces of what Tenma was saying, he had already been to the maze twice, once alone and another when he brought a date here afterwards to impress them with his knowledge of the maze and make it seem that he had great navigation skills but it ended up being a disaster. Akaashi didn’t try to clarify with Tenma on how it ended in a disaster.

The group was finally let into the maze and everyone broke off and went in their own directions using the maps provided to find the landmarks in various parts of the maze. Akaashi had no interest and Tenma made it known that he was simply going to follow Akaashi. They walked in silence, only the whirring of electricity somewhere behind the lights, soft steps, and distant chatter. 

Akaashi held the cup of hot tea in his hands, it warmed the numb pads of his fingers and softened the harsh chill on his cheeks everytime he tipped it back. He walked beside Tenma through the archways of lights, chatters sounded off as they turned every corner. Tenma had been rambling about how much he loved light mazes; how much he loved Christmas really. 

“You can’t deny that.” He nudged Akaashi, he had zoned out whilst sipping on his tea and twirling the ribbon of the owl ornament around his finger. Akaashi knew it wasn’t right but he simply hummed in agreement and offered a slight nod, making a show of shifting his attention like he was truly interested in the maze and began to wander away from Tenma; he knew that even if Tenma knew how to get out of the maze he would follow Akaashi. 

Tenma noted that as the later it was getting, the more voices he heard throughout the maze, Akaashi shrugged and continued to lead the two of them aimlessly down various paths, trying to decide if he was trying to lose Tenma or kill enough time that he could say it was late and just go home. Whichever it was, it was better than giving away the box in his pocket. 

Tenma began pointing out the landmarks of the maze and the fact that he hadn’t seen them the last time he went through this maze, subtly hinting that Akaashi was taking them in the wrong direction. “But I won’t spoil the fun.” Tenma was cheerful as he giggled to himself and followed behind Akaashi. 

The paper cup was now empty and Akaashi began to chew on the edge, breaking it down in between his teeth to keep his mind occupied as he wandered, the maze, disregarding the crumpled map that crinkled in his fist. 

“Somewhere there’s supposed to be a Christmas tree,” Tenma noted. “Maybe you could put that owl ornament on it.” Akaashi looked back and Tenma was smiling up at him, hands in his pockets and a leisurely air surrounding him. Akaashi turned shaking his head, he looked up at the sky, clouds blurred the stars but he could still see them. 

“It’s not for that purpose.” He spoke plainly, hoping it was enough to keep Tenma at bay, but Akaashi should have learned to not be so hopeful by now. Tenma just kept looking at him expectantly, eyes burning holes into Akaashi’s back and he tried so desperately to ignore the uneasy feeling of being watched. “I want to keep it.” 

“You don’t want to make a wish?” He retorted almost immediately, Akaashi looked at him with confusion weaving through his brows but his confusion was soon put to ease as Tenma continued in the same breathless fashion of a child speaking of their fondest game to play at recess. “It’s like this, you put a meaningful ornament on the tree and basically imbue the Christmas miracle you're wishing for to come true. A lot of couples come from all over to do it.” He finished and took in a long breath and huffed, his breath visible in shades of blue and warm white. 

“There’s no such thing.” Akaashi continued to walk in front of Tenma, forcing his eyes to focus on the pathway before them. Tenma let out a small chuckle, but dropped the conversation just as quickly as he had picked it up. 

They rounded one last corner and just like Tenma had said, there was a large Christmas tree, couples gathered around the perimeter, holding ornaments in their hands, placing them on the tree, or holding one another as they simply looked over the tree and the ornaments decorating it. Akaashi noticed there were even ornaments at the top which had to have been 4 meters in the air. Part of him wished he could share the same excitement as these couples or even just Tenma, but he couldn’t. 

_ Buzz _

_ - _

**Kokoro, December 24th 9:14 PM**

Akaashi? Are you okay, you were supposed to be here two hours ago. Text me, I’m worried. 

**Keiji, December 24th 9:16 PM**

I’m fine. I got caught up, I don’t know if I can make it tonight.

**Kokoro, December 24th 9:18 PM**

Keiji, it’s Christmas Eve, you promised. 

**Keiji, December 24th 9:19 PM**

I know, I’ll make it up to you.

**Kokoro, December 24th 9:21 PM**

You know what? Just forget it, we don’t work and I think you’ve known long before I have. Merry Christmas Keiji, I hope you have a good holiday--truly.

-

“Akaashi?” Tenma waved his hand in front of Akaashi’s face. Akaashi continued to stare down at his phone, trying to distinguish if what he was seeing was real or not, and if it was: why didn’t he feel anything? Did he even feel a sliver of relief? He shivered at his own selfish thoughts but turned his phone off and shoved it back in his pocket. 

“I suppose I no longer have anywhere to be for the night.” He spoke as he began to walk around the tree, Tenma cleared his throat and chased after him. 

“I thought you were going to see your girlfriend?” Tenma spoke quietly, like Akaashi cared if these people could hear their conversation.

“I can’t when there’s no girlfriend to see.” Akaashi responded at his normal volume. Many couples turned to look at them, once minding their own business and now they weren’t even trying to hide the fact that they wanted to know why Akaashi had no girlfriend to see. 

“She-” Tenma began, alluding to a possibility he didn’t want to be true. He stepped in front of Akaashi, like his body could shield the words he was about to speak from those around them. 

“Broke up with me.” Akaashi finished his thought, no emotion in his voice, Akaashi truly couldn’t care at that moment and he didn’t have enough worries to think about how he would feel in the morning. 

“Akaashi, I’m sorry.” Tenma spoke, true remorse piercing through his words, like this was somehow his fault. 

“You have no reason to be, this has been a long time coming.” Akaashi felt a slight smile pull at the corner of his lips. “It’s been more enjoyable to watch you try to make me like Christmas anyway.” 

Tenma was startled by Akaashi’s words, whether it be the meaning of them or the fact that this was the most he had spoken the entire night Akaashi didn’t particularly care. 

The two sat in silence for a few minutes, standing back and watching the couples hang their ornaments on the tree and whisper their miracles to each other. Akaashi couldn’t help but daydream, the warmth of him, his chest against his, hand in hand as they whispered what they wanted from life, from each other, from the earth. He closed his eyes and he could almost hear his voice, how long had it been since the last time he had actually heard it? Over a year, in person that is, though there was always that interview he watched almost every night in an attempt to put himself to sleep. 

_ What would you wish for?  _

He asked the version of the person in his mind. 

_ I would wish for you, over and over, years from now, with my last breath, I would always wish for you.  _

“Can I buy you a drink?” Tenma broke through the dreams in Akaashi’s mind and the silence between them. Akaashi thought for a moment, he had his guard up all night for no particular reason, Tenma and him were friends, it was only right to warm up to him at some point; even if this night had been unplanned and unexpected.

“Are you asking me on a date?” Akaashi joked, though it only caught Tenma off guard for a moment. He chuckled and stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets, the black bag with magazines hit the side of his leg. 

“The ice skating wasn’t enough of a sign?” Tenma was able to respond without his jaw hanging open at Akaashi’s words. 

Akaashi rose to his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets, he took a deep breath through his nose. Tenma stood awkwardly beside him, Akaashi looked between Tenma and the various exits from the clearing, Tenma quickly realized he was the only one who knew how to get out and began to lead them back into the maze. 

Akaashi wrapped his finger around the owl ornament. Had he bought it for himself, or in hopes that he would be able to hang it on a tree with the boy weaving his way into every thought?

-

The bells chimed as Akaashi and Tenma entered the bar, Tenma waving to the server as he sat at the first available table. The bar was busier than usual, noted Tenma. Akaashi shrugged and blamed it on the holiday. Tenma ordered for each of them, Akaashi claimed he didn’t drink so he didn’t know what was good, but he secretly hoped it would cut the night short. The server left their table and wandered behind a curtain in the back to begin prepping their drinks and ordering the appetizer Tenma had asked for; claiming he was so hungry he could eat a whole cow to himself. 

Akaashi sat silently, observing each patron that arrived and those that left, analyzing what night they were having and coming to the conclusion that whatever was happening in their evening had to be far more preferable than what Akaashi was participating in. Tenma tapped the table and leaned forward, a successful attempt at grabbing Akaashi’s wandering attention. 

“I know you’re not having fun.” Tenma commented, Akaashi just shrugged and sank deeper in his chair. 

“I never said that.” Akaashi corrected. 

The drinks were set down in front of them and the appetizer followed shortly after. Tenma sighed and sipped his drink, clearing his throat once more;  _ then can I ask you something?  _ **_Go for it._ **

“Why don’t you like Christmas?” 

Akaashi thought for a moment and opened his mouth as if to speak but instead leaned forward and sipped on his drink, he was sure a minute had passed by the time he removed his lips from the rim of his glass and set it back down. 

Tenma watched intently, waiting patiently for Akaashi to indulge him. 

“I just don’t.”

Akaashi offered the most anticlimactic response humanly possible, not thinking it would leave Tenma unsatisfied, though he was soon proven wrong when Tenma let out a small growl and flicked the side of his glass. 

“Akaashi…” Tenma pleaded. 

It’s now or never. Akaashi tipped the glass back and finished the last of his drink, it burnt the whole way down, though it was a good kind of pain compared to the hurt of reality he was about to admit to Tenma. 

“I used to love Christmas.” He whispered, licking his lips then using his sleeve to wipe away the access liquid. “But last year I made the mistake of ruining it for myself.” 

“How?” 

“With a stupid letter.” 

-

Bokuto,

Being this formal feels out of place in the dynamic of our relationship, but as I’ve thought and mauled over the ideas in my head, this felt like the best fit. I will do my best to convey my thoughts and what I have to say in the clearest way possible but forgive me if this is messy--it’s just what you do to me. Since high school, since the moment we were introduced, you made me feel like there is a place in this world that is just for me. It was the greatest thing I have ever felt, being able to relax around you, be myself, experience your friendship--I never wanted it to end. But you graduated and went on to do amazing things, yes we kept in touch and you tried your very best to still be my safe haven whether you knew that’s what you were doing or not. But as I grew and you joined the Black Jackals, my safe space became this little window of time on the train ride home when you were in between practice and personal training sessions that you were able to text me and ask me how my day was. But it became the same monotonous one sided conversation, you would ask how my day was and in between the time it took you to send that message and for me to tell you truthfully how my day was you were already onto the next and I was left clinging to a haven that was a thousand miles away. I started replying as fast as I could to have more words with you, I began to count them, holding onto that number and hoping to get them higher the next day. I was so obsessed with counting the words of our conversations that I didn’t realize when they had lost all meaning, I didn’t realize until you had stopped them all together. 

I guess that’s why I feel like a letter is the best way to reach you, it’s only been a week since our last conversation but I can’t bear not talking to you. I miss you, I want to talk to you everyday for the rest of my life, I want to know how your day was every day that I breathe. I know I’m being more assertive than I’ve ever been, but I can’t bear the thought of losing you, at least not like this, when I’ve left so many things unsaid. 

I love you, Bokuto. I’ve loved you for so long and I’ve burned for all this time, silently, distantly, shoving every bit of it down in fear of ruining this haven that you unknowingly created for me. I love you, Bokuto. I realized it the first time you invited me over to your house, your sisters, your parents, they were so lovely and I felt like I had found my place once more--or like the place that I had found was expanding and it was all thanks to you. I love you, Bokuto. I was certain that fall before you graduated, we had just played Nekoma and you told me that my sets were the best in the world. The glimmer in your eyes and the innocence of your words helped the certainty in my chest. I love you, Bokuto. I knew there was no going back the first time you held me in your arms, the first time you saw me cry--I don’t even remember the reason, but I remember the citrus scent of your sweatshirt and the soothing words that left your lips in such a quiet tone. 

I love you, Bokuto. This letter is me saying it for every time I never got to, and hopefully convincing you to let me say it for the rest of our days. I know this is rash and even I can tell you that I’m not thinking rationally, but I love you, Bokuto. Meet me at the gift shop you always took me to, I can’t spend another Christmas without you. 

Akaashi

-

“-Or at least that’s the jist of it.” Akaashi sighed, he could feel the blush on his cheeks, he had downed two more glasses though Tenma was barely finishing his first. 

“Did he show up?” Tenma didn’t try to go easy on Akaashi, maybe he thought if Akaashi talked about it it would make him feel better or he was just so curious that he could care less what Akaashi was feeling. 

“No.” Akaashi hiccuped. “I’ve been stuck with this stupid ring ever since.” He fished the velvet box from his pocket and haphazardly tossed it towards Tenma. 

Tenma looked between the box and Akaashi, when he realized Akaashi had intended for him to open it he slowly did, the ring glinting under the dim lights of the bar. The hinges creaked and sent chills down Akaashi’s spine. 

“You were going to propose?” Tenma asked. 

“No.” Akaashi snapped. “It’s a promise ring.” The weight on Akaashi’s chest had only grown heavier with every detail he revealed to Tenma. 

Tenma was quiet for a moment, turning the box in his hands and viewing the ring from every angle, like there was a hidden message he wasn’t seeing. Finally he set the box down on the table and sucked in a deep breath. 

“Bokuto.” He whispered. “That’s the guy you used to play volleyball with in high school?” Tenma acted like he needed clarification, but there was something about his tone that was telling Akaashi he had already connected what dots were in his head and whatever ideas he had come up with were the truth in Tenma’s mind; he had assumed the ending to Akaashi’s story. 

He reached beside him, the crinkling of a plastic bag fed an awkwardness into the air as he pulled out a magazine, an old issue of Volleyball Monthly; Akaashi knew it was old because there was a picture of Fukurodani on the back, in the forefront of the image were his teammates, backs to the cameras and jersey numbers exposed. Akaashi felt his breath catch in his throat. 

“This guy,” Tenma set the magazine down in front of Akaashi. “Right?” 

On the cover was a picture of Bokuto, he was holding a volleyball with one hand and resting the other on his hip, that stupid smirk that Akaashi had fallen in love with was plastered across his face; and somehow, some way, Akaashi was falling in love with it all over again. Akaashi pushed the magazine away from him. He shook his head, he told Tenma it was all in the past, he ruined it for himself and there was no point in trying to make him like Christmas again; it was only a painful memory of his own stupidity. 

The server returned and asked if Akaashi would like another drink, as he was about to order another one, Tenma interrupted and said they were getting ready to leave and proceeded to pay for their drinks and the food he had ordered before pulling his coat on and urging Akaashi to do the same. 

“I think it’s time we go home.” Tenma whispered as he grabbed the magazine and put it back in the bag. 

Once Akaashi had his jacket on the two left the bar and stepped back out into the cold winter air. Akaashi shivered and hugged himself close. He wasn’t going to fight Tenma on the matter, because like he had said, Akaashi  _ wasn’t  _ enjoying himself even though he had never explicitly said as such. They walked down the street, somehow the crowds were larger than when they had gone in, Akaashi summed it up to people trying to escape the holiday; they would rather spend it away from home, with people they may never see again. Akaashi looked at Tenma, trying to decide if he was a saving grace or simply another pin on the timeline of a horrible holiday; whatever it was brought a small sense of joy to Akaashi. 

As they weaved through the streets and drew closer to the train station the groups of people became smaller and fewer and far between, the silence became stronger as they neared their respective platforms. Tenma stopped before they were meant to split ways, laying a hand on Akaashi’s arm, when he turned to face him Tenma held out the same magazine he had shown Akaashi at the bar. Bokuto stared back at Akaashi in the form 100 GSM glossy finish, full color print. Akaashi looked at the magazine for a moment then reached out his hand, he shook as his fingers touched the cover. 

“Thank you.” He whispered as he took the magazine and hugged it close to his body, not knowing why but feeling like it was the best gift he could and ever would receive. Tenma pulled his lips into a tight smile, he didn’t acknowledge Akaashi’s gratitude and instead asked if he would need any help getting home, to which Akaashi replied with a small nod before turning and stepping towards his platform. 

“Merry Christmas Akaashi.” Tenma called after him, to which Akaashi simply raised a hand and gave him a small wave. He had relieved some of his distaste for the holiday, but not enough to wish someone else a merry time. 

-

Akaashi stepped on to the train out of the freezing cold into the stagnant cold of a train car. There had been waves of people exiting the train but only one or two waiting beside Akaashi. There were enough empty seats for Akaashi to feel like he was completely alone on the train, especially when he rested his head on the window and waited for the robotic voice to warn the passengers that the train was departing. He closed his eyes and let the cold from outside freeze his forehead as he realized just how tired he was, it was the first time in many months that he had been out later than ten--though the train wasn’t comfortable enough to allow him to rest. 

As the train departed Akaashi shifted his attention to the magazine in his lap, his fingers haphazardly resting on Bokuto’s face, he tried to imagine the paper feeling like skin; soft and warm, pliant under his touch. This was a luxury Akaashi rarely allowed himself, imagining what life would be like with Bokuto, the warmth he had felt once before having a different meaning to more than just him--it would mean more to Bokuto, not only to Akaashi’s universe but the universe as a whole. 

It was hard for Akaashi to break this barrier in his mind, but the longer he stared at Bokuto’s face and his fingers strewn about his shrunken features, the more warmth seemed to envelope his body. It started in his fingertips and toes then it slowly worked its way up to his shoulders, his stomach, his cheeks, and soon enough it settled in his chest and for a moment he wasn’t able to feel the dull pain that he normally did when he caught himself thinking about Bokuto. But it wasn’t warmth that was meant to last, soon Akaashi remembered the embarrassment of the weeks following Christmas Eve when he slipped the letter under the door of Bokuto's apartment.

The chilling mortification when the text’s stopped for good. The discomfort of looking back on the messages and overanalyzing every single one he had sent, only assuming the way Bokuto must have interpreted it himself. This meant that Akaashi would sit for hours when he should have been working, eating, sleeping, and look over the texts reviewing the definition of words in his mind and saying it in different tones to himself in an attempt to find the one that he thought Bokuto would have heard his words in. 

Akaashi had dwelled on these facts for so long and so frequently that after a while he began to build walls, shielding himself from everything and anything. One of those walls was a girl, Kokoro, she was his way of telling himself that he could love after Bokuto; though it had proved to be a desperate attempt to simply occupy himself in order to forget Bokuto not proof that he was getting over him. 

Thinking back, Akaashi had done so much to tell himself that he was over Bokuto, that he didn’t care but he had never put forth the effort to heal; a part of him was hoping that he wouldn’t have to. Even now, as he watched the busy lights of Tokyo fade into the residential glimmer of the same city, he was hoping for something he didn’t believe in: a Christmas miracle. The train came to a halt in the middle of Akaashi’s agonizing day dream, he was roped back into reality, he sighed and gathered his things. 

The air was cold as he began to walk to his apartment, his eyes were so trained on his feet he hadn’t noticed that it began to snow. But when he stopped under a dim streetlight and looked up, tiny snowflakes were dancing through the air, making the earth stop for a moment under the deafening silence. Akaashi held out his hand and waited for a snowflake to settle on his finger tip, watching it melt and become a glistening dot of water on the pad of his finger. He shivered as the wind picked up and blew a gust into his bones, he held his belongings tighter and continued down the sidewalk, the wind assaulting him between every building. 

Akaashi’s apartment building was lit with warm white lights around the door along with garlands and more strings of lights inside. He pushed his floor number on the elevator button and let out a small yawn as he waited for the elevator to reach the bottom floor. He heard the jingling of keys and turned his head to the side he could see the landlord leaning over the counter. A stout woman with a warm expression, gray hair falling against her cheeks and brushing the shoulder pads of her red sweater, Akaashi couldn’t help but feel warm whenever he talked to her. 

“How was your Christmas Eve?” She asked with an expression pulling her already thin lips into a taut smile. Akaashi offered a less enthusiastic smile and pushed a forced laugh through his nose. 

“It was like any other night-” The elevator doors opened and Akaashi waved at the old woman, it was impolite to cut the conversation short without the proper formalities but he had no energy left to deal with much of anything. 

The doors closed and Akaashi leaned against the walls of the elevator, again feeling a compulsion to look at the cover of the magazine. Holding it up he sighed, and began speaking to it like it could answer him, like Bokuto was truly there, listening to him. Asking over and over why he had ruined the happiest holiday on earth for himself, why had he ruined the best thing in his life because he could just shove his feelings down like he’d been doing for years; why did he feel the need to ruin everything in an attempt to become Bokuto’s everything? He felt sick as the elevator shook to a stop and the doors whirred open. 

The hallway was dimly lit and there was only silence on the other side of the doors that lined the hallways, no lights glistening from the small slivers of space between the floor and the door. Akaashi was alone and even more so than ever was it a suffocating reality as he unlocked the door leading into his apartment. 

-

Akaashi laid in bed, staring up at the dark ceiling as he listened to the wind hitting his window. He’d peeked out, what was it? Ten minutes ago? Snow had blanketed the streets and made the earth silent, mother nature's sound proofing, Akaashi couldn’t help but be selfish and imagine that the universe wanted to hear every agonizing thought that tore through his attempts at serenity. Akaashi sighed and sat up pulling his phone off the charger and opening his messages, he didn’t need to try hard to find the folder that read  **Bokuto** . It was like muscle memory at this point. 

He clicked on the folder and his face lit up from the alternating blue and gray bubbles. 

-

**Bokuto, October 30th 2019 6:30 PM**

Akaashi! How was your day?

**Akaashi, October 30th 2019 6:35 PM**

I got a lot of work reviewed, so I’d say it went pretty well. Tenma is already talking about the next manga he wants to publish, we haven’t even finished his first one but he gets so much done sometimes I feel like I’m what’s holding him back.

**Bokuto, October 31st 2019 7:00 PM**

Sorry Akaashi! Last night was an insane training session. You’re probably doing great, just don’t be so hard on yourself and you’ll find light in all of it. I’m going out to a team dinner but I will try my very best to reply when I get back, was today good as well? 

**Akaashi, October 31st 2019 7:10 PM**

It was, you have no need to apologize, Bokuto. I understand how busy you can get, don’t overwork yourself. It’s getting colder and you don’t need to be getting sick so take care of yourself and enjoy your dinner. 

-

For several weeks their messages went on like that, Bokuto apologizing that he hadn’t been able to reply fast and Akaashi trying his hardest to ignore the fact that the little conversations they were having weren’t tearing apart his chest and leaving him gasping for air on the bathroom floor. But that’s also when Akaashi began to get greedy about chat bubbles. 

-

**Bokuto, December 14th 2019 7:14 PM**

How was your day Akaashi?

**Akaashi, December 14th 2019 7:14 PM**

It was good, yours?

**Bokuto, December 14th 2019 7:15 PM**

Oh it was amazing! Did anything happen at work today? 

**Akaashi, December 14th 2019 7:16 PM**

Not really, what happened at practice? 

**Bokuto, December 14th 2019 7:17 PM**

Well I did some weight lifting but Hinata practiced his jumps today and it seems that every day he goes higher and higher. Is everything okay? Did something bad happen at work?

-

_ No _ . Akaashi thought he just wanted to hear as much from Bokuto and about Bokuto as he possibly could, Bokuto must have sensed that something was off with Akaashi and backed off. Instead of being rational and explaining his feelings in a text or telling Bokuto to call him, he wrote an entire letter confessing a festering love and listing everytime he wished he could have told Bokuto his feelings. 

Akaashi groaned and shoved his phone under his pillow and kicked the covers off his body. His apartment was filled with the patter of his footsteps as he walked to the kitchen, unintentionally slamming the cabinet as he got a glass and began to fill it with water. He began drinking and breathing, alternating the methods in an attempt to bring himself back down to earth and hopefully sober up the buzz he had from his time at the bar. 

He needed to forget and that’s what he was trying so desperately to do, every sip of water drew him closer to the stagnant refusal he had been drowning in for the last year and with every breath came slivers of peace with returning to that state. Though the walls of his apartment felt suffocating as he tried to breathe in and out over and over until it felt like he was choking on his own air. Setting down his glass he began grabbing clothes that were haphazardly strewn about his apartment, pulling on a pair of sweats, socks, a hoodie, and his coat as he went. 

He left without a second thought, his movements on autopilot as he made his way to the ground floor, thinking about Bokuto the whole way down. No matter how many times he attempted to shift his focus he couldn’t drift far enough away from the thought of Bokuto, it was like he was tethered to a buoy in a raging ocean, forced to choke on the waves crashing down. 

The front desk was locked up and Akaashi was able to slip out into the street without being noticed. The air was sharp as it entered Akaashi’s lungs. He zipped his coat up to cover his chin and buried the lower half of his face inside of it, it was a minimal difference but the discomfort of the cold made it harder to complete his thoughts of Bokuto; though he wasn’t sure if he would have preferred the satisfaction of the painful endings to this malaise. 

He wandered the streets around his apartment building aimlessly until he began to feel an uneasiness, just the same that people feel when their out alone at night; he didn’t want to find out if it was simply a credulous anxiety or if there really were eyes boring targets into his back, he began making his way to the train station. 

The night was quiet, no lights illuminated the street from windows, Akaashi knew the reason and a year ago it would have brought a smile to his face but now it fed an anger that steadily kindled inside of him. Akaashi hated Christmas, but not the people who celebrated it, though their attitude when Akaashi said he didn’t like Christmas was less than desirable. Like Tenma, instead of leaving it they had to pry and poke when all Akaashi wanted to do was feel disdain for the holidays in peace. He was thankful that he had spent time with Tenma in a way, though he would have traded Tenma’s curiosity and compulsion to help for spending the night alone; not to mention that the excursion with Tenma had cost Akaashi his real life relationship, not just the one inside his head.

As he stepped onto the train he thought more about his relationship with Kokoro, or lack thereof. He met her at his lowest point after the letter, he thought back to the way her smile made him feel even the smallest glimmer of hope, it could have been a fluke, desperation, depravity of the heart that made him convince himself that he was falling in love again. 

How subjective the idea of love is. Akaashi thought as he looked out the window, the lights of Tokyo drawing closer as the train sped towards them. If you tell yourself you’re falling in love, how hard is it to believe yourself? Not particularly hard Akaashi concluded. Many times people tell themselves they're fine when they’re really not and while it doesn’t fix what’s wrong neither does it make it worse; after believing a lie you’ve told yourself the problem may have worsened. But there's that moment of ignorant bliss where you wholeheartedly believe yourself, Akaashi wanted so badly for the ignorance to last for both him and Kokoro. 

But convincing yourself of a contradicting falsehood after you’ve already drilled one into your mind isn’t as easy. Akaashi tried for months to convince himself that he was no longer in love with Bokuto, but it was like speaking to a wall, every moment he was alone the first thought in his mind was Bokuto, the only name he wanted to call out; the only thing that mattered was the person who hadn’t shown Akaashi the same. 

The train halted to a stop and Akaashi rose to his feet, waiting for the doors to open. There were more people waiting to enter the train, draped over a friend who also looked like they were on the verge of passing out. Once he was out on the platform the feeling that he was being watched had gone and he continued to wander aimlessly, only this time he was on the busy streets of Tokyo and not the residential silence. He wasn’t sure where he was going, how long it would take him to get there, but his body seemed to be carrying him towards familiar destinations, past the gift shop that was now closed, the ice rink that was being cleaned. 

There were still masses of people, only they seemed to have a clear destination in mind: home. Akaashi walked in the opposite direction of most of the crowds, though there were a few stragglers who seemed to be walking to the same place Akaashi was, though he still didn’t know where he was going. 

Time had seemed to freeze, no time had felt like it had passed from when Akaashi had kicked the covers off of his body to now. How long had he been walking? What time was it? He patted his pockets but nowhere did he find his phone, he huffed remembering it sitting on his nightstand as he told himself to grab it before walking out the door. He shivered and hugged himself close though he held no desire to return home, at least here, in downtown Tokyo his loneliness wasn’t as suffocating as it was in his tiny apartment. 

The barren appearance of the streets compared to the images only hours ago was unnerving, Akaashi had never been out this late by himself; he had no desire to put himself in this kind of situation, but then again nothing about this Christmas Eve was particularly within Akaashi’s range of comfort. He thought about the light Maze, suddenly feeling a sense of curiosity about the tree and how many ornaments now covered its base. Had Tenma rubbed off on him? He didn’t think about it too much and began to walk with the intention of arriving at the Maze of Lights. 

-

As Akaashi paid for himself and was let into the maze he recalled what it felt like to walk with Tenma, and with each step his brian drifted further and further, falling into the thoughts of Bokuto once again. He wasn’t sure where he was, he had been walking for what felt like hours when he had finally reached the tree last time but Akaashi didn’t have that kind of patience this time, he quickened his pace and tried his best to remember what path he had taken. Finally he arrived at the base of the tree, out of breath and agitated by the cold. 

He sat on one of the benches and looked at the tree, there were only three couples that Akaashi could see, all taking their time to hang their ornament and doing their best to engrave this memory in their minds. He pulled the owl ornament out of his pocket and stared at it, condemning himself for being so foolish to buy an ornament for Bokuto when he didn’t even know if he was a thought in his mind anymore. 

As Akaashi was about to stand and toss the ornament in the snow he heard someone clear their throat behind him. 

“What are you wishing for?” It was a familiar voice, one he had tried to recreate in his mind many times, the one he only heard through the speakers of his phone from that interview after graduation. Akaashi was tense, spine stuck in a rigid posture. Though he had imagined hearing the voice over and over, in so many different scenarios, now that he was actually hearing it a chill shot up his spine and he was unable to breathe. 

“Tenma told me you might be here.” The voice spoke again, the nonchalant tone filled Akaashi with anger. 

“You have no right to know where I am.” Akaashi snapped, though he couldn’t turn to face him, he knew that the second he saw Bokuto’s face that it would be over and Akaashi would push away every shred of animosity he felt towards him. 

There was the sound of footsteps and crunching snow, then Akaashi saw his body out the corner of his eye as he sat down, Bokuto kept his distance only testing his limits by placing his hand beside him. Akaashi didn’t waver, holding out hope that his brain would listen to his heart and reach out for Bokuto, but the walls were sturdy and Akaashi could only sit in suspended stillness as Bokuto began to speak again. 

“I know, and what I did was wrong.” His words were still calm, like he had rehearsed them over and over again which wasn’t like Bokuto which only made the interaction feel even more wrong to Akaashi. “I got scared and I bailed, I owe you an apology but you don’t owe me anything,” Akaashi could hear the quivering of Bokuto’s words behind the facade he was trying so hard to keep up. “Let alone acceptance of it.” 

“Just let me explain.” Bokuto pleaded with Akaashi’s silence.

“What time is it?” 

Bokuto pulled out his phone. “Two forty-five in the morning.” He set it on his thigh and Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s eyes on him. 

“You have until three.” Akaashi looked down and began to pull on his fingers, a nervous habit he hadn’t done in years. Bokuto sighed and agreed to Akaashi’s conditions, Akaashi could feel the anger only build as Bokuto began to speak, telling himself to avoid looking at him; the innocence in Bokuto’s eyes would be enough to make him melt. 

Bokuto began with the letter, that he had seen Akaashi slip it under the door and walk away, he thought that it was finally the time that Akaashi was backing out of their friendship; Akaashi questioned the relevance and if he was becoming a victim of gaslighting, though he continued to listen. Bokuto went on to say that he was so terrified that he waited one week to open it to see if Akaashi would bring it up in a text, but he never received a message and he feared the worst. Not knowing what to do he took the note to practice and asked Hinata to open it, Bokuto said he didn’t have the strength. 

“Oh so Hinata read the letter before you even knew what it was about? Great.” Akaashi knew his remark was childish, but he felt so much that he felt like he would explode if he didn’t let it out. 

“As soon as he got to the personal stuff he handed me the letter and told me that it would be better if I read it myself, so I did.” Bokuto tapped his phone screen and the time flashed:  **2:53 AM.**

Bokuto took in a deep breath and continued. “You were so honest, so vulnerable, I didn’t like reading the words you wrote knowing that you felt like I was abandoning you.” 

“So you just made my worst nightmares become a reality?” Akaashi had no more patience to listen to Bokuto, everything just sounded like excuses, “If you were so afraid you should have just rejected me like a normal person instead of cutting yourself off.” 

“I didn’t want to reject you, that’s the thing.” Bokuto shifted closer to Akaashi. “‘Kaashi look at me.” He reached out for him but Akaashi only avoided his grasp. Akaashi looked up, tears tearing red streams down his cheeks as his unsteady breath blew puffs into the air around him. 

“I’ve lived an agonizing year, and you show up on the one day that I felt a little peace, a little light since that letter and just decide to bring it all back. What can you say to make me feel better? If you truly didn’t want to reject me you would have sucked up any fear and told me how you felt like I did writing that letter. You owed me that much Bokuto.” Akaashi had never spoken with so much anger in his words before, his emotions were bubbling over and all Bokuto did was stare at him. 

The couples that had been hanging their ornaments were now whispering to each other, making comments about how dramatic the two were being. Bokutos blank stare turned into a flicker of determination as he grabbed Akaashi and pulled him close, Akaashi began struggling against him; “Let me go,” “Listen to me,” “I don’t-”

Between Akaashi’s struggling and refusal to look at Bokuto, Bokuto had managed to get in a position where he could kiss Akaashi. At first Akaashi was stiff against Bokuto, his eyes shooting open and seeing that Bookuto’s were closed, tears glistening in the corners of his eyes. Akaashi relaxed and when he leaned into the kiss, the warmth that had once been so fleeting rushed over Akaashi and bathed him in a sense of belonging not once questioning if this was where he should have been. When Bokuto pulled away he rested his forehead on Akaashi’s.

“In the letter you listed everytime you wanted to tell me you loved me,” Bokuto whispered, Akaashi shivered as his breath danced on his cheeks and warmed his face. “Every event you listed was a time I had planned to tell you I love you but the words were stuck in my throat.” Bokuto brought his hand up and stroked Akaashi’s cheek, wiping away the tears. “I’ve loved you Akaashi, with every breath I’ve breathed, with every breath that has yet to come into my lungs I will tell you I love you.” 

Akaashi sat in silence, he twirled the ornament in his hand, the bell jingling. Taking in a deep breath he whispered his wish, quiet and content as tears streamed down Bokuto’s cheeks. 

“Don’t leave me alone on Christmas, this year and however many we have left together.” He handed the ornament to Bokuto and pulled the ring out of his pocket. “Promise?” 

“I promise Akaashi.” 

Together they stood up and walked to the tree, holding each other close and tight, like if they wavered they would be ripped away from each other. Upon reaching the tree they picked out the perfect branch and stepped back to look at the ornament, the animosity in Akaashi hadn’t faded but it would take time, right here, right now, he wanted to bathe in the warmth of Bokuto as long as he could. 

“Merry Christmas Akaashi.” 

Akaashi’s breath hitched and he tensed, but his shoulders relaxed and he felt himself melt into Bokuto. 

“Merry Christmas Bokuto.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I've had so much BokuAka brain rot lately and I thought why not make a sappy, Hallmark esque Christmas AU for them. I specifically listened to the James TW cover of Last Christmas a lot while writing this. This work is a lot different from other pieces I've worked on, but I needed it and I had so much fun writing it. It's not very long but it's only meant to be a short read, I hope you enjoy.


End file.
